So, when my husband and I got pregnant with Little A, I was Over. The. Moon. As I sewed and painted and prepared for her I dreamed of what it would be like to hold her and smell her. As she grew stronger and started kicking and moving around inside me, we formed a bond that can't be described in words. It was magical.
Little A's birth, however, was anything but magical. There were complications and after 24 hours of labor at home, we had to be rushed to the hospital for a c-section. That was the first time, as a mother, that I realized that things would not always go as I planned. But when I held her, everything just faded. She was perfect.
I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with Little A. It has been an incredible experience and is exactly what I wanted after years of nanny work and dreams of becoming a mother. I've arrived.
That seems to be the problem these days- I've arrived. But what now? I am doing what I've always dreamed of doing (with some housework and other duties thrown in) and now I feel... a little empty or "without". Being a mom is so great but since I settled in to my new position, I have found that I seem to lack the passion that I had when I worked with other people's kids. It feels awful.
My therapist (who doesn't have one these days?) suggested that I pick one thing that makes me feel good and just run with it; make goals, achieve them and seize the day within one smaller activity. I chose this blog. I didn't realize what a little thing like writing and sharing could do for me. I feel so achieved and good about myself when I get 75 views in a day or a feature. I found that I am more hands-on with Little A in part because I can now share it with the world. My love for my daughter fuels my passion to write and my passion to share fuels new ideas for my life with my daughter.
There are still days when life seems lack-luster but since I started taking what makes me feel good more seriously, I have noticed a marked difference. I realize that this has to be a phenomenon that happens with lots of moms. How have you experienced this? Got any recommendations for us newbies? Please leave a comment, I could use the help.
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Hey! I started reading your blog mostly due to the title, because that is what I want to strive for, focusing more on my children and making them the center of my life. It's something I feel like I need to improve on in a major way. I was raised in a single-family home and have become very independent, so it's been a tough transition to go from being validated by others for my accomplishments on a regular basis, to staying home and trying to figure out how to measure my success as a mother of three young boys, one of which has a spirited way that has been very difficult for me to work with. It's moms like you who help me feel like I'm doing alright. I never liked babysitting, kids were never really my thing, but I'm learning. It's comforting to know that even when kids are "your thing" that you can still feel like something is lacking. Knowing that helps me realize that I will likely never arrive at a point where everything is fantastic and I feel like I'm doing everything right, that I'm putting my kids first all the time and loving every minute of it, it helps me see that that's not realistic. However, it helps me understand that in trying to be more centered on them I will have better days overall, and more frequent moments of happiness and accomplishment. Hmm, this sort of turned into more of its own post than a comment. In short, keep it up, you're helping your daughter and others and that's no small thing. Thank you.
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ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your story. Being a mom is much more difficult than I had dreamed it to be. Something that was hard to accept was that there is never going to be a day that I get everything right... and that's ok. I'm so glad to hear that I'm not alone in this.